Is it all right to dream about you?

You see, I still remember when we first met. I never expected that we'd even talk as much as we did. I thought you wouldn't really be interested in me; and I suppose you weren't. At least, not in the way I hoped. But I still can see your face, your smile. Being around you, even then, made me feel more alive. 

I don't know what has happened to the world. Perhaps I simply was born in the wrong time. In older days, a man could write love poems to a woman he just met and it would cause her heart to race with excitement. Today it is seen as a weakness, or a sickness, or as they say... creepy.

I couldn't bear for you to think of me in that way. But I did dream of you. Even saying that in this day and age can sound improper; I assure you, lady, my dream was chaste. It was a simple dream, a simple thing that happened. I looked into your eyes, I held you, I felt the softness of your hair and was comforted and it seemed you were as well. 

No, I wouldn't move the world or sacrifice my soul for you, but I would create a space in my heart and my world for only us to experience. I would make a moment in time for us to live in and experience each other in a new and perhaps even poetic way. You're not my "one true love" and I'm not madly infatuated with you... yet your essence lingers in my mind and heart, though it has been long days since I've seen you.

I wish I could tell you this, but my jaded mind and heart tell me it would be a mistake. I wish we could take walks and sing songs and dream dreams... but for now there seems to not be room in your life for me. If I could I'd create a place out of time where we could visit and learn each other's secrets and stories. What are you doing at this moment? Are you still awake like me?

Soon I'll sleep, and dream again. I don't know if I will dream of you, but I both hope to and hope that I will not. So, maybe we can only be friends right now. In the meantime, I hope that it's all right to dream about you. Maybe you'll even dream about me. 

Revised and Extended Remorse

So, remember last time I was mentioning about how some women say, "It's just not the right time," or, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." What they really mean is with you, Steve Racer.

Weeks later, I find they are dating someone. Why do I even believe people any more?

That's all I got.

Sometimes I do dumb things

For some reason I've felt compelled to tell you these really dumb things I did on a date recently.

Dumb thing #1

So we're in the parking lot getting in my car. A yellowish, smelly, kind of dirty parking lot. Not exactly a place for blooming romance. I'm joking around with her and somehow I get up in her face kind of, like "I wanna fight you" but just kidding type thing. Then I realize: this is a date, Steve. Now she thinks you're going to try to kiss her.

Man. The dingy gross parking lot was not my idea of where to have a first kiss. But you see, now I was stuck because I'm there, right up close, and if I don't kiss her now, she will think I started to kiss her and then chickened out. That's even marginally worse! So, I kissed her. It seemed kind of awkward. At least she didn't turn her head away. But then, it got worse...

Dear God, what is that...those....things?

Dumb thing #2

So I went to give her a goodnight kiss. Hey, we already kissed earlier, right? So I did, it was a nice kiss, out there in the yard. But then, at the end of the kiss, out loud, I said, "Muah!" 

Instant horror went through me all the way down through my shoes, penetrating the deep crust of the earth to its core. "Muah?" Who does that? I never do that! Where did this "Muah" come from? Why did this happen now? But it was too late, the Muah Monster had escaped. I had to play it off and just pretend I did this on purpose. I'm probably known to her forever as "Muah-man", giving off an aura of muah-ness wherever I tread.

Phrequent Phone Phailure

I haven't been trying so hard lately because, well, as you probably know, it's a brutal world out there. Yet I've met some nice lovely ladies lately that seemed compelling so I asked for some phone numbers. Let's see the results shall we!

#1 - Friendly and fun brunette at a party, mentioned how fun it would be to hang out again. 

       Result: Phake Phone number. She didn't even put any effort in it, it ended in 2020. Some guy answered.

#2 - Lovely law student at Hollywood event. Talked with me a lot, even asked me for my card. Got her number when I left.

      Result: Real phone number! Never returned phone call or text. This is one of the great unsolved mysteries. 

#3 - Incredible, talented, beautiful lady. Also talked with me a lot. Alive and in love with life, charmed me. Gave me her number, said I was "awesome." 

       Result: Just wants to be friends.

#4 - Pretty Irish girl at St. Pat's Day! Danced with her, talked, had fun. Got her number. 

      Result: Texted today, no answer. Verdict still out but outlook not good.

P.S. Today my roommate told me he never feels lonely. I almost murdered him where he stood.

Crazy Complicated Current Courtship

I have a memory from when I was about thirteen. I was at the Marshall County Fair. I stood next to her in line, she was so friendly and pretty with her green eyes and blonde curly hair. She smiled and laughed as we talked. It was simple attraction. Her name was Michelle. I asked her to ride with me, and we whirled through the air screaming and laughing and being alive. If you liked someone, you smiled, you looked into her eyes, you held hands maybe.

Today it's like a train wreck combined with a natural disaster along with a volatile hostage negotiation involving evil flying baboons. (Why yes, I did just see Oz.)

Photoshopped in 4 minutes. I even timed myself.

What the hell is going on?

This is what I imagine should happen. I meet someone, we feel comfortable together. We feel an attraction. We laugh, we talk, we spend more time together. It feels natural and joyful. I can see it right there in my mind -- so why doesn't it ever happen? Why instead is everything so complicated? It's a mess of what "phase" people are in life. "I'm just not looking for a relationship right now." "I just broke up with someone." "I'm focusing on my career." "I'm too toxic for you." Why do we restrict when love can happen? You could miss the love of your life just because you were worried about a job for a few months.

Not only that, these days you have to prove you're not a stalker/rapist/player/jerk. I understand there should be a degree of caution. However I don't feel like I should start in the category of "serial killer" and have to move my way up the continuum.

Sometimes I make it up to the Evil Creep stage!

Teen Steve

People are just so suspicious now. I feel like everything I say is scrutinized to see if it in some way could be interpreted as "homicidal tendencies." Everyone is so suspicious and scared -- to the point where a girl will stay with a terrible guy because she is afraid the next one will be even worse. I know some people who have just given up on dating because it's so difficult and painful. Heck, I even stepped back after that bad experience with Lady Gray. Without rambling on too much more, there's about a thousand other complications and troubles and difficulties that come up. I never thought I'd say that I miss being thirteen. If anyone just wants to laugh and smile and love without all these complications, let me know, I'll be here next to the Ferris wheel.