No, really.
Yes, I know you probably have too. There's something about being at a convention that makes you feel like you've checked out of reality into fantasy. More than once I have met a girl at a convention, and, I am embarrassed to admit this: told her I loved her right then.
Yes, on the very first day I met this gorgeous fan girl, I confessed my love for this beautiful stranger. Why would I do such a thing? I think we all can get lost in the moment, in the fantasy, in the whole fan world... I lost my head and my heart. Let me tell you how it went...
The first time I didn't exactly say "I love you," I guess I was just warming up. I was in line for something at my first convention ever; I was seventeen. A gossamer angel walked by in a flowing pink and blue princess dress. She was a vision from heaven. I literally fell to my knees as she passed. (Hey, I was seventeen!) I went up to her later when I saw her again and kneeled, kissed her hand and told her, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen." The scary thing? I actually meant it.
Later on at the convention I was spying on her behind a pillar as she talked to a male friend, she said, "Hey, I've got a little slave boy to play with tonight. I think he will do anything I want." That shattered the illusion a little bit. But even then I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt... maybe it was some other desperate slave boy?
It wasn't.
I was willing to let her play with me, and she did. I followed her around, got her things... and when it was time for her to sleep, she tossed me away. The next time it went a little bit better: an amazing Priss cosplayer from Blade Runner was at a con I go to, and I went straight to her. By the end of the night, I had told her, "I love you." She took me in, and I was her boyfriend for a little while. Except that she also had a fiance she didn't tell me about. One time I went to her place and slept in the bed with her. Just slept. She rested her head on my chest and slowly sighed off to sleep. This was the best moment of my life up until that point. The joy of sleeping, cradling someone you care about, feeling them alive and soft against you. It still is one of my greatest joys. She gave me that, at least. Then at Balticon, we got a room together at the hotel, and I came back the first night to find her in bed with another guy. She was polite and introduced me to him as they lay under the sheets. No, he wasn't her fiance either.
I did it again at a convention about three years later, and this girl had the proper response and ran away. Now, I have to tell you I certainly don't do this anymore, but I still feel the temptation, the pull to be in the fantasy world. Imagination is a beautiful and wonderful thing. It's a nice place to visit, but unfortunately, we can't live there.
Your relationships are going to go a lot better if they are grounded in reality, since, unfortunately, we are all stuck here in this often disappointing and tarnished place. So, hey, you should have a list. For instance, I have a list of things I need in a woman, and yes, some of them involve the fantasy and fun, but some don't. I'll give you mine as an example, since I know you're dying to know!
Steve's list for Geek Girlfriend
- Playful and fun, likes to be silly
- Can communicate problems, desires
- Believes love is the same thing I do (giving of oneself)
- Likes some of my fan interests
- Shares similar moral and spiritual values (doesn't have to be exactly the same)
- Outgoing enough to do conventions, LARP, Ren Faire (again, some is fine)
So, see, two out of my six are fan things, but four... aren't. It's important that you are going the same direction in life, with similar values... or your paths will diverge and therefore the relationship will end. Which happens sometimes anyway. But at least you won't doom yourself from the start by just picking someone because they are a hot cosplayer or watch Firefly with you every day. Also notice my list is flexible... I don't expect exact matches on things. Close enough is often good, since compromise is a big part of relationships (and I mean both people compromising!)
Another thing that happens with too much fantasy is you fill in the parts of the person that you don't know with your favorite fantasy attributes, which also may lead to premature "I love you" syndrome. (Maybe I should start a clinic?) So, hold on to reality when you meet someone you like, and don't fill in the blanks with fantasy. It might just save you a lot of pain and heartbreak. Holding on to reality, especially at first, can help you find that dream person that will stay with you... and who will help fulfill your fantasies later in life.
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