Letter to my friends and a crazy person

Dear Readers,

I have received a lot of great feedback here and on facebook about my personal dating journey. It makes me very glad to know that 1) people actually read this thing and 2) not only that, you seem to care. That's really awesome. :)

Lately it seems to me I may be giving the wrong impression. So, I want to answer a couple of concerns people have mentioned. And then address a crazy person. But that's later. First, let's talk.

Looking Diligently Does Not Mean Settling

Yes. I'm looking rather thoroughly for someone. I realize I want someone very special and rare. I know that many of them that meet my expectations are probably so awesome they are with someone and also have a line going out the door after that. So I'm trying the usual ways I look, like through friends, social activities, dating sites, etc. I'm also trying other things, like the speed dating I mentioned last time. This is the way I look at it: I'm like a biologist trying to find that rare species that some people think might not exist, I'm the archaeologist trying to find a lost treasure, I'm the musician trying to achieve that perfect harmony. I believe it will take effort to find someone like this, and so I look. I'm not looking really hard and then taking the first person that comes along. There will be no settling.

Lonely Does Not Mean Desperate

I told someone on facebook the other day I was going to speed dating and they said, "Wow. You're desperate." No, I'm not. I'm just doing what I would do for any goal I have in mind -- I work for it. I try as hard as I can and hold nothing back. I realize lately I've posted a few times about how I'm lonely. I am. It happens. I see this as a feeling. It can come and go. I don't see it as a symptom of some problem. Sometimes I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm excited, I'm confused -- I'm a lot of things that are simply a part of being human. If I'm lonely, I accept it. Feelings are part of being alive. Even feeling sad can be a beautiful experience, the depth of feeling one can have. I love that we have emotions, and so many of them. I don't believe they should control us, however. Some nights I'm lying in bed dying for someone to hold, to fall asleep with, to feel breathing next to me, softly, at peace. That doesn't mean I'm going to go crazy and grab random people to sleep next to. This longing will make it much sweeter when it is fulfilled.

I think perhaps because my dating experience has been so transparent and I'm posting about it makes it seem more to the forefront, so it might give the impression of these things, but it's not really like that.

Dear Crazy Person,

I find your comments bizarre, unsettling, and only vaguely related to what I'm actually saying. I do not want a girl who is "smart" so she can pay attention to my brains and "lack of physical prowess." I don't think I'm better than anyone, including jocks. I'm also not a sexist pig.... anyway I found out that that person was a troll. At least, it was trying to be a troll, but it instead appeared to me to be mostly insane and made no real sense. So maybe it was a confusion type of troll. Carry on!

Go, Speed Dater, Go! (Nowhere.)

So, I figured I must be looking in the wrong places. Geek dating sites are coming up empty, even normal people dating sites don't work (as you probably didn't read in my previous blog.) I started looking for geeky groups on Meetup, and then just any groups on Meetup that I have interest in. It was there I found... a Speed Dating group.

I'm sorry, blame Google images.

Not only did I sign up, but I paid good money to go to an event. This was a colossal mistake on my part.

This is not to say there was anything bad about the women there. They were great. They were also very, very... normal. I don't even mean this in a bad way except that they served to accentuate how incredibly not normal and/or mainstream that I am. I show up with my blue hair to a bunch of middle class businesswomen who like going to the beach, and I feel something is wrong. Not only that, but there was a cute Asian lady that showed up that I actually was looking forward to talking to. Yeah. She left the event before it started. Apparently, she took one look at us "eligible males" and hightailed it right out of there. (I guess she won't get her money back.)

Now I do have to mention that the guys there were a bit scary. One guy was obviously 50+ even though the event was supposed to be 30-40. Since I've mostly dated women in their 20's lately I thought maybe this would work out... but it's like I suspected. What women in their 30's in a career spend time playing anime and video games? I mean, I have a job and stuff too, really! But when I come home I'm a nerd. These women come home and... I'm not even sure. What do normal people do? Watch TV? Crochet?

Zim. Sort of.

Anyway, I did put a "Yes" for a nice doctor lady who just moved here and wants to make new friends. However, I think she put "No" for me. I feel a bit like a loser.

So, I have no idea where to look. If I go look at church, the girls there are, well, also normal. Don't get me wrong, some of them are gorgeous and smart. I just need a freak like me. Who is going to wake me up with anime and hot cocoa and talk about our plans to take over the world and make the next Lord of the Rings?

Cons are usually a failure. In fact that's where most of my disasters have happened. Even through friends and facebook, nothing working there. I'm being practical about this in a way; mathematically if I extend my search more broadly, I'll have a larger sample. Or something like that. You know, the shotgun approach.

Every day I see friends on facebook post about their relationships...

Gazing at people, some hand in hand, Just what I'm going through they can't understand.

Look, all I need is one amazing, energetic, faithful, nerdy, creative woman to love me like gangbusters, how hard is that, right? :)

A Dream of Castles

According to this random website I just found:

To dream of being in a castle, you will be possessed of sufficient wealth to make life as you wish. You have prospects of being a great traveler, enjoying contact with people of many nations. To see an old and vine-covered castle, you are likely to become romantic in your tastes, and care should be taken that you do not contract an undesirable marriage or engagement.

My dream is to build my own castle. In a way. This is the plan:

The Plan

Look, there's even a heading so you know for sure this is where the plan part is.

I want to buy a house with a large piece of land, in the forest. It probably will be in the south somewhere. On this land, with my house I will have: a medieval tavern, a small fort, a forge where I can make my own swords, cabins for friends to stay for SCA and LARP type events, an archery range, and a tree house.

The tavern will be a splendid wood, wattle and daub style structure, with a kitchen and of course lovely ale and wine type drinks.

Not quite as big as this one.

 Many days I'll go out and work on my swords. I'm sure at first the ones I forge will be pretty bad, but I can give those away or hang them up on the walls in the keep. The keep will be a simple rectangular stone structure that will also double as a feast hall. It will have small towers and of course banners with colorful heraldry. Also it will have a rampart that can be defended -- all of this of course for my friends to fight on and from, whether they are fighters, archers, or even mages. 

You see a castle in the distance. "I take it." Okay, you take the castle.

I'll make it so we can have a big bonfire near the tavern, and at night we can tell stories and sing songs around it in our costumes. 

The treehouse will be fantastic. I'll find a nice tree near the edge of the woods and build a structure with a room and a sleeping balcony area. I plan to screen it off against bugs, but leave the top and sides open so you can breathe the cool night air, as well as look at the stars while you sleep. I'll probably have some nice replica looking lanterns there as well, electric but they will look period. (Don't want to burn down my treehouse.)

One part of the plan I'm really looking forward to: I want to build most of this stuff myself. I'm sure I'll need some help with parts, but I imagine the satisfaction of putting in the work of building all this and I feel very happy indeed. And how nice would it be to have a lovely wife there along to share it with me? Even without a lovely Eowyn... I would still greatly enjoy sleeping in my tree, forging swords, shooting a bow, having friends around the campfire... and creating new adventures. 

I hope to allow LARP and renaissance groups to use my place for free every weekend. And during the week I'd have my quiet forest home with my keep. We could even bring children in for events and introduce them to the wonderful world of fantasy, swordfighting, and archery.

Now, I'm not sure where life will lead me or what I'll be doing. I might even only live there part of the year and let my LARP friends from the south live there and take care of it for me. This is only one dream of mine as well. I have many, including racing cars again. 

I know, all this costs money... but in the south you can get a house and land inexpensively, and if I build a lot of this myself, it wouldn't really be astronomical. It would be worth it, to have this dream. 

Hello? Is this thing on?

So, I've been out there, meeting people, and I've been looking online. And I'm happy to say that the results of all my recent searching and efforts is... nothing.

This sign is not really here.

At this point, I imagine many might wonder if they are doing something wrong. That would include me. I'm pretty discouraged. You'd think that there'd be a nice lady out there who wouldn't mind a guy like me who wants to be nice to her and make her happy. I can't seem to find takers for this proposition... I think it may be that they think I'm someone that I'm really not. Maybe they don't trust easily. However, they could at least go on one date to find out more of what I'm like. It's the same song as always. I Gave You My Number and/or Facebook But I Won't Really Ever Respond To You, by The Girls. Terrible title really.

The rest of the album isn't so bad.

I really don't even want to try any more right now. This is the cue for all the people to say, "Oh, you only ever really find someone when you're not trying." Except I wasn't trying for about three years, a while back, and there was pretty much nothing then, too. So really, there's pretty much nothing to say, at least in terms of what's going on in Steve's dating life.

So, even though I have nothing to say right now, I've got some ideas for some future blogs you might like. I'm going to talk about my dream life that I'd want someone to share with me. Also, I'm going to DragonCon again, but if you read my blog from last year (DragonCon romance, aka Practice at Being Shot Down) then you can guess I'm not so excited about that one either. Besides having fun at the con, of course, I still manage to do that. So, stay tuned, for dreams and flying machines...

P.S. In my web search for absolutely nothing I found a pretty keen website about nothing. It's Nothing.net!  

Here's a quote from the main page:

We believe in nothing, and we think you should too. We have our workers doing nothing around the clock, finding new ways to package nothing, new problems to confront (in our big 32 page manual which is offered free with every purchase), or doing literally nothing just to waste time. 

I need to marry Éowyn

I was talking with some new friends the other night, and one of the girls was talking about Chris Evans: how he just gave her tingles down her spine, she loved watching how he moved, his voice... everything. I replied that I want someone to feel like that about me. It only had to be one person, I didn't need any more than that; just one who loved the sound of my voice and was thrilled just to be near me. Another friend replied,

"Maybe there is someone who feels like that, and they never told you."

Wouldn't that be tragic and terrible? Of course, I suppose it might also be tragic and terrible as well if the feelings were not reciprocated. But at least she would know, either way. This is what got me thinking -- I need a woman who tells me how she feels. Eowyn (for the nerd challenged, she is from the Lord of the Rings books/movies) is just such a woman. You never are wondering how she feels.

Éowyn: I do not wish to play at riddles. Speak plainer!

Just last week I took a new female friend out for dinner. Not long into it she asked me what my intentions were, and told me she wasn't interested in dating. I suppose some people might feel unhappy about this revelation, but I was thrilled indeed. I knew exactly how she felt and I didn't have to guess. I'm going to quote my friend Celina from a recent blog comment:

Not that it's any consolation, but guys behave this way also. It's frustrating and confusing and just leaves me wondering, "Why?" but there is no answer. I don't understand why some people can't just say, "I am not interested in seeing you again." I always extend that courtesy to a guy if I am not interested. If I have the common decency (and guts) to do it, then so should they. Right? Yeah...not so much.

Eowyn doesn't mess around.

Éowyn: The women of this country learned long ago that those without swords may still die upon them. I fear neither death nor pain.

I'm willing to fight for love... to face fear and pain. This woman feared nothing, she faced the Witch King on the field of battle:

But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Eowyn am I, Eomund’s daughter. You stand between me and my lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him.

If I love you, you will know it down to your bones and your soul. Everything about you will be loved... your beauty as well as your faults, and I will fight for you. I want someone to love me this way, but I also offer the same in return.  Eowyn lived her passion; she loved like this.

Another friend of mine was in love with someone at her church; he played guitar every Sunday, and she would watch him from the seats, adoring him. She loved his hair, his voice, his talents. She got to know everything she could about him, joined groups to be near him... but never, ever told him how she felt. She simply couldn't. Lucky for her, after about a year later, he finally realized that this wonderful woman wanted him, and they started dating and now they're married. I told her many times to tell him and she just said: I can't. 


Eowyn isn't real, but her courage and love are real qualities. If someone loves you and you don't feel the same, tell that person. If you love someone and they don't know -- tell them. You only live for so long on this earth, don't waste it. Love is too precious.

Perhaps tonight I'll dream of my Eowyn... whoever she may be.

GQ says: Steve is the Ideal Man!

So, I just happened to read what I'm sure is an extremely rigorous and scientific survey from GQ magazine. It asked women what traits their "ideal man" has! Hmm. What if they lied? What if they really want "huge (censored)" but instead said, "good listener." 

Anyway, here's the link: GQ's Ideal Man

So, what is the ideal man? Survey says:

Google's "Ideal Man"

Survey findings – what makes a man close to ideal?

• Honesty.
• Kindness.
• Intelligence.
• Has a good sense of humour.
• More likely to have blue eyes than brown.
• Speaks at least two languages.
• More important that he is romantic than good in bed.
• Meat eaters are preferred to vegetarians.
• Is a good listener.

I could insist how honest I am, but I suppose there's no way to prove that. But you remember that story about that ancient Greek dude who walked around with a lamp looking for an honest man? He put that sucker out when he found me. 

Also, I'm more likely to have blue eyes than brown. So far, every single day that I have woken up, my eyes have been blue, so I think I have good odds of continuing that trend. 

Ok, ok, I don't really speak two languages. But, my fellow nerds will appreciate that I can program in several computer languages. Yeah. Get that. Several. 

Also, I eat meat, so I've got that going for me. In fact, when I am eating meat, I can listen really well.

Survey findings – moderately important characteristics:

• Drives a European car.
• Wears a suit to work.
• Has a degree.
• Is clean shaven.

Well, thank God these are only moderately important. I don't know that I'll ever drive a European car, but my boring tan Chevy is amazing. I have a great job teaching college where I can have blue hair at work. I don't think that's on this list. Nope. No blue hair. Anyway, I have two whole degrees. No, really, I'm serious. And I'm clean shaven... on those days that I actually shave in the morning! 

Some women have... different standards.

So, instead of rambling on, I'm going to ask... what do YOU think is the ideal man?