Dating a Unicorn for Annie

My married friend Annie and I have many long talks about meaningless thoughts, such as "Is it really fashionable to wear a Christmas sweater with shorts so small they disappear under your snowman stitching?" and, "How do people really talk in prison?"

Every once in a while we talk about something and she says, "You should blog about that! People would be interested!" To which I usually reply, "They would? Seriously?"

"Well, I would, anyway," she answers.

Therefore you are hereby informed that this blog is unequivocally Annie's fault.

Finding and Capturing Unicorns

Many centuries in the past (it feels like it anyway), when I was a kid, there was no internet. (You may scream now.) There also were very few true nerds. There wasn't any place on earth where being a nerd was cool in any way. We found ourselves at the bottom of the social ladder with the kid who ate his boogers (and we accepted him too!) There were even fewer female nerds. Of course, this has almost always been the case, but back in my day it was even more extreme. They were almost mythical creatures.

I had a Commodore 64.

Genetically speaking, what we call "beauty" is also rare, and so to actually find a pretty nerd girl in my day was like finding a unicorn. (But you knew I was going to say that.) In grade school, of course, I didn't care if the girls were nerds are not. I just wanted them to actually talk to me. It was kind of like those 80's movies where the nerd guy would fall in love with the beauty queen -- except in my case when I ask her out at the end of the movie she says, "Go jump in a lake!" and all her pretty friends laugh in my face. (Ok, so that actually happened.)

There was one beautiful girl in elementary school that was nice to me and in my mind she was a princess. Raven black hair, crystal blue eyes, pale skin with a dusting of freckles -- Sharon was royalty to me. She even would dance with me sometimes at our little grade school dances. Which makes me wonder:

Why the heck did our Catholic school give us dances with music from Chicago and REO Speedwagon playing in the background when we were in third grade?

Did they expect us to explore our budding sexuality at at time when boys had cooties and girls were gross? Whatever the reason, thank you, Catholic school, for letting me experience relationship rejection early and often. 

Regardless, back then, it wasn't about finding a nerd girl, it was about finding any girl who would talk to me. Okay, I lied just now. It was about finding a reasonably cute girl who met my standards who would talk to me.

I just realized I had relationship standards when I was nine years old. I'm mildly disturbed.

More disturbed: Googling "scary nun."

The truth is there were some kind of nerdy girls in my school but I was too busy dreaming about my princess and looking for a unicorn. There was a girl in my class, for instance, who was a foot taller than all the boys and had awkward huge glasses and a mop of curly hair who liked me a lot. I rejected her -- even though I was really skinny, had coke bottle glasses, and a bowl cut. 

The Problem with Fantasy

Don't get me wrong, I love fantasy and reading and gaming have dozens of benefits -- when done in moderation. A lot of my morals have come from fantasy and comic heroes: love for family, sacrifice, and doing the right thing even when no one is looking. Yet, at least for me, it made me think back then that I was the hero. This movie was about me. I could eventually conquer and have the beautiful princess and the castle and win everything. I never thought that maybe someone would be better for her than me. I was the best. I had to be, it was my book, my story.

Some of this I am literally realizing as I write this. Some I've already known -- I've prayed for years that God free me from this idea of "beauty" that I've idolized in my mind. Still, even today, the movies, comics, and books push the perfect figure and the perfect face -- but the lie that creeps into your soul is that you can and should have someone that looks like that. 

So much sexy on one screen.

The problem is, the actors on the screen are the top 0.1% of the most beautiful in the world, that's why they are there. The drawings of people in comics with perfect figures are not realistic. And so we chase after unicorns. "If I can only find my beautiful gamer girl who loves all my stuff and realizes that I'm the hero..." You might as well be wishing for super powers. It's not real.

Living in Bizarro World

What I was going to talk about in this blog is how there are so many more nerds now, all over the planet. Now there's more nerd boys and girls, and they are different from when I was a kid. Yes there are; it's different now, but it seems to me that many of those lovely nerds I call my own are also trapped in Bizarro world. We've taken reality and smashed it together with our fantasy world and begged, insisted and forced it to meld together into a kind of mess of unfulfilled dreams and expectations.

This panel says it all

Now we have unicorns -- beautiful fan girls in amazing costumes who have thousands and millions of followers. Nerd boys everywhere tell themselves that they are the hero that can win these "dream girls." So they follow them, take pictures of them, and message them. Cosplay girls get so many messages they can't even answer them all (including many they wouldn't want to!) However, deep down, these girls are just human beings. Idolizing them and making them into unicorns is a disservice. They have feelings and hopes and are imperfect just like everyone else. Dating someone like this will not suddenly change your life or make you instantly happy -- unless she happens to be the right person for you and you are the right person for her. 

Sadly, I believe some of the unicorns, these beautiful fan girls, are in the same Bizarro world that the rest of us are. They get to live a bit of the fantasy world -- the adulation, the feeling of being a hero and the main character of the story -- but then reality hits and life is hard and unfair. They get dumped and rejected just like any of us. They are not immune to tragedy -- illness, death, pain. Life isn't magically better if you happen to be a pretty cosplayer.

Imperfect is Okay

We all can get caught up in our fantasy worlds from time to time -- and it's wonderful to have these temporary indulgences. However, I have allowed my protagonist perspective to influence my life for too long. I'm going to imagine other people as the main character in the story. I won't hold myself up to the impossible idea of being a hero and everything coming out right for me in the end -- instead I'll just do my best and accept whatever story is mine, all the while happily being part of my friends stories. 

I realize this is just one perspective and life is complex and people are multifaceted. You may be a nerd and not live on Bizarro world with many of us, and that's great! If you are stuck in Bizarro world I hope that you will realize that the fantasy world and the real world are separate -- and being a hero in the real world isn't about putting on a costume, or how you look or talk. It's not about who likes you and doesn't like you. It's about who you are on the inside.

Being Happy in the Real World

I'm not going to claim I'm an expert at being happy, though I've studied it for a time now. I've found that true happiness comes from serving others. I've found these brief moments of bliss when I'm doing something good and fulfilling and I completely forget about myself. I stop worrying what I look like, what people think of me, whether a woman I met likes me... I don't exist for a while. The only thing that exists is the experience. 

I've found that friends and family, having people close to you, are more important than things and stuff. In fact, I've decided that I want to live in a community where I'm surrounded by people all the time where we depend on each other. Sometimes it's risky to try to have close friends, but this is a risk worth taking. 

Friends?

Setting realistic goals and meeting them keeps you in the real world with real accomplishments. And at the risk of sounding cliche -- love. Love others. Love those who like you, and those who hate you. Love those you know and those you don't know. Grow your heart so big that no amount of trouble will outweigh it. Accept and love yourself for who you are. You're imperfect. You don't have super powers. You won't always get the unicorn, but love, love will be enough. Love and don't stop. See people with your "real world" glasses and leave Bizarro world behind. 

You're not a lone hero, but you're part of a cast of thousands of us nerds! Love your fellow nerds and serve them, expecting no reward except the act itself. Or you could decide that I have no idea what I'm talking about and I'm crazy. It's possible; I'm imperfect, you know. 

P.S. I made this video which somehow became relevant by the end of this blog.

The End of Full Metal Dating

Congratulations, you have reached the end of the internet.

This is the (so-called) final blog of Full Metal Dating, the blog where Steve formerly detailed his disastrous dating life as a geek searching for true love. It’s been a fun ride. And now for the serious.

For pretty much my entire life, I’ve failed miserably at finding love. When I was a teenager, I foolishly fell in love with the prettiest girls in the school when every time there were wonderful girls around me who actually liked me (and not the Quarterback.) Of course I took them for granted and dreamed of cheerleaders. There was Penny, and Wendy, and Robyn… I’m sorry Robyn. See, we were on this church retreat for the summer and she wrote the newsletter for the group and suddenly I was running for the “Youth Congress” and she liked me so much she gave me inside information from her surveys on what the students wanted and I even used it to get elected. (Was that wrong?) She was smart, pretty, courageous, clever… and I was too busy drooling over some girl that wouldn’t even talk to me. She must have been so happy when I barely won the last seat, but I was too stupid to realize how great she was.

                In college I was engaged to a girl who broke up with me by writing a letter. She lived about 130 miles away. I had no car. To persuade her to change her mind, I decided I’d ride my bike to her house. I made it 108 of the 130 miles with a backpack containing a bologna sandwich (eaten) and some underwear (not eaten.) It wasn’t enough to convince her. I eventually married a woman that I felt God had chosen for me, and everything went wrong.

                For three years I tried to make things work, but there was nothing I could do. After we split there were many nights with Jose Cuervo and Xanax so I could sleep. This, I think, shaped my future of relationships. I trusted God for many things in the past, but after the failed marriage, I had no faith in that area.

                Yeah, by the way, I’m a Christian. I didn’t talk about it much in my blog; I mean, I’m already a geek fanboy trying to find a woman, adding “Christian” to it seemed even more difficult. The blog was kind of lighthearted anyway, but those days are at an end. One year ago my heart was broken for the last time. I didn’t blog about this girl because I thought she was “the one.” Anyway, for whatever reason my whole world fell apart after that, not even directly related to what happened with her. So, I’ve been on my own for a year. I lost my health and I struggled just to keep going for twelve months. But I did it with the mercy of Christ, and I’m not 100% yet, but I reckon I’ll live anyway. And so it’s time for the new revelation: I’m trusting God from now on for my future, including my future woman. I’m letting go of the past.

                Right now I’m not in any shape to date anyone, I still have weeks, maybe months of healing to do. I’ve even said that I could just stay single and be happy, just to have my health back again. And that’s probably true, but that isn’t how my Father works. He does more than we expect, he does more than we imagine. I am saying that I believe He has someone for me out there, and I will know and she will know and that’s how I’m going to live my life from now on. No more playing “by the numbers,” trying to find my one in a million. She’s out there, somewhere, and when it’s time, she will be there. And together, we will be unstoppable. Our future is amazing, our future with God in his family. We will experience amazing things, conquer obstacles, sing, run, laugh, and be full of amazing joy. She and I will be super heroes, adventurers, vampires, and whatever else we can imagine. I won’t give up, but I will cease my struggling and striving now. Let it be on earth, as it is in heaven.

                Thank you all for reading my blog and supporting me over the years. Thanks for laughing with me, and sharing your stories. Thank you for being a reader and a friend. I pray that you will also find your path, the one God has made for you.

Long Lost Sweetheart

You may be wondering why I suddenly am posting to this blog again after over a year. Of course, you probably wonder a lot of things. Regardless, if you're new -- go back and read all the other entries. Why not? So, I've been chronically ill for basically a year so I haven't dated anyone, or had interest in dating anyone, or even asked anyone out on a date. Mostly I just laid around a lot.

C'mere Faye.

You're probably also wondering what is wrong with me, putting an animated gif in my blog entry like that? Well it's my blog and I can do what I want. Anyway I'm here to tell you a story. It's not really a date story, per se, but it's so unusual that I had to share. This event occurred about two years ago when I went back to my hometown to visit.

Could you be my long lost girl?
When I was thirteen I finally got contact lenses. You see, before that I had glasses. Thick, heavy glasses with tortoise shell plastic frames. If only hipsters existed then I would have been remotely cool, besides the fact that the lenses made my eyes look really tiny.

Also when I was thirteen I met -- we'll call her Amy. Amy had beautiful red hair, was sweet, and was a whole year older than me. She just lived a few houses away and when the neighborhood kids hung out we both would be there.

I asked her out, I professed my love, all the stupid Steve things I did when I was a teenager -- but she had another. I'm not sure who this guy was since I never saw him but she said he was great. Of course I was her close friend and she was really sweet and beautiful at me all the time. I even saved a picture of her in my "memory box" which I still have.

Fast forward to... the future. Well, okay, the present. Enter: Facebook. You can find just about anybody on Facebook and one day I was looking through my memory box when I wondered: why did I save all these passes from the DC Metro rail? But I also wondered what happened to Amy. A few internet moments later and there she was on my screen. I sent her a message and a friend request. She answered! We talked. We called. We reminisced. Then I mentioned I was coming home for a visit. Now, she had a boyfriend at the time so it wasn't going to be a romantic reunion with her, but I thought it would be fun to catch up.

Then it got weird
I bet you never saw this coming! I met her at a bar that was at a country club and had an Old West theme. (I know, right?) She actually had just moved in to some apartments just about 50 yards away. We met at her digs then walked over to the place. There were a few folks in there and we took seats right up at the bar. We got our two dollar drafts in plastic cups (classy!) We talked about a few things. Some pretty blonde girls came in and sat near us. She said, "Go on, talk to them. I won't stop you from getting laid."
    I kind of looked at her in disbelief and said, "Uh, okay." I was just there to see Amy, not pick up random blondes at the bar. Then an older guy sat down on the other side of her and started talking to her. Apparently he knew her. When he wasn't talking to her he kept staring at me. It was a very strange stare. A group came in and she said, "Hey! Let's challenge them to a pool game! If we win they have to buy our beer! No, whoever loses has to leave the bar!"
    Okay, so I'm a "fun guy" in general, but this seemed rather odd to me. I also was wondering how I was going to get through the night without getting into a fight when she told random strangers to leave the bar. "Couldn't we just, ask them to play a game of pool?"
   "Oh, oh! I know! We can act like we are from another country! Cheerio, mate! Top o' the mornin' to ya!"
On the outside I was like, "Haha! Sure!" but on the inside I was like It's not even morning! What is happening here?
  They walked by and she was pulling my sleeve, "Come on! Let's tell them! They will have to buy our beer! I'm a pool shark!" But the beer is only two bucks. I looked around the bar desperately for something to distract her. There were blondes, big muscly guys, and the group that just came in. Oh, and there was the weird guy staring at me. I decided a strategic retreat to the bathroom was in order.

Pool Guppy
When I returned, Amy was partnered up with Mr. Stares-a-lot and they were playing against some folks from that group. I was still trying to figure out how serious she was about everything. I went over to watch; she missed a shot horribly, striking the cue awkwardly and sending it skidding off to one side. She whispered conspiratorially to me, "Don't worry, I'm just making them think I can't play but then I will crush them!"

I apologize for this silly image.

    This perhaps would have been funny if she was joking, but the whole time she seemed serious. I quietly walked over to the bar and started talking to the folks there. She continued to lose horribly, and every time I went over to her she reassured me that she was an amazing pool player taking these guys for a ride. I really didn't care what kind of pool player she was, I was just hoping to catch up and talk. Anyway, she was very convincing in her facade. She was so good at faking that she was terrible that most of her balls were still on the table when she lost. Even Mr. Staretacular couldn't make up the difference. She didn't say anything to me after the game but went straight to the bathroom. I talked to some other people a little more, glad for the distraction, and then decided I'd go to the bathroom too.
    This is the fun part: I never saw her again. Yes, that's right, somehow without  me seeing she had snuck out of the bar. I felt stupid and awkward, yet relieved at the same time. I texted her some kind of apology thinking maybe she was offended about something, then promptly deleted her from my phone and Facebook. (I admit, it's possible I said or did something terrible without knowing it, I am, after all, male.)

Such is the fate of young love, I suppose. Also this is possibly my second to last entry, so I hope you've enjoyed the silliness that has been my dating life.

Is it all right to dream about you?

You see, I still remember when we first met. I never expected that we'd even talk as much as we did. I thought you wouldn't really be interested in me; and I suppose you weren't. At least, not in the way I hoped. But I still can see your face, your smile. Being around you, even then, made me feel more alive. 

I don't know what has happened to the world. Perhaps I simply was born in the wrong time. In older days, a man could write love poems to a woman he just met and it would cause her heart to race with excitement. Today it is seen as a weakness, or a sickness, or as they say... creepy.

I couldn't bear for you to think of me in that way. But I did dream of you. Even saying that in this day and age can sound improper; I assure you, lady, my dream was chaste. It was a simple dream, a simple thing that happened. I looked into your eyes, I held you, I felt the softness of your hair and was comforted and it seemed you were as well. 

No, I wouldn't move the world or sacrifice my soul for you, but I would create a space in my heart and my world for only us to experience. I would make a moment in time for us to live in and experience each other in a new and perhaps even poetic way. You're not my "one true love" and I'm not madly infatuated with you... yet your essence lingers in my mind and heart, though it has been long days since I've seen you.

I wish I could tell you this, but my jaded mind and heart tell me it would be a mistake. I wish we could take walks and sing songs and dream dreams... but for now there seems to not be room in your life for me. If I could I'd create a place out of time where we could visit and learn each other's secrets and stories. What are you doing at this moment? Are you still awake like me?

Soon I'll sleep, and dream again. I don't know if I will dream of you, but I both hope to and hope that I will not. So, maybe we can only be friends right now. In the meantime, I hope that it's all right to dream about you. Maybe you'll even dream about me. 

Revised and Extended Remorse

So, remember last time I was mentioning about how some women say, "It's just not the right time," or, "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." What they really mean is with you, Steve Racer.

Weeks later, I find they are dating someone. Why do I even believe people any more?

That's all I got.

Sometimes I do dumb things

For some reason I've felt compelled to tell you these really dumb things I did on a date recently.

Dumb thing #1

So we're in the parking lot getting in my car. A yellowish, smelly, kind of dirty parking lot. Not exactly a place for blooming romance. I'm joking around with her and somehow I get up in her face kind of, like "I wanna fight you" but just kidding type thing. Then I realize: this is a date, Steve. Now she thinks you're going to try to kiss her.

Man. The dingy gross parking lot was not my idea of where to have a first kiss. But you see, now I was stuck because I'm there, right up close, and if I don't kiss her now, she will think I started to kiss her and then chickened out. That's even marginally worse! So, I kissed her. It seemed kind of awkward. At least she didn't turn her head away. But then, it got worse...

Dear God, what is that...those....things?

Dumb thing #2

So I went to give her a goodnight kiss. Hey, we already kissed earlier, right? So I did, it was a nice kiss, out there in the yard. But then, at the end of the kiss, out loud, I said, "Muah!" 

Instant horror went through me all the way down through my shoes, penetrating the deep crust of the earth to its core. "Muah?" Who does that? I never do that! Where did this "Muah" come from? Why did this happen now? But it was too late, the Muah Monster had escaped. I had to play it off and just pretend I did this on purpose. I'm probably known to her forever as "Muah-man", giving off an aura of muah-ness wherever I tread.

Phrequent Phone Phailure

I haven't been trying so hard lately because, well, as you probably know, it's a brutal world out there. Yet I've met some nice lovely ladies lately that seemed compelling so I asked for some phone numbers. Let's see the results shall we!

#1 - Friendly and fun brunette at a party, mentioned how fun it would be to hang out again. 

       Result: Phake Phone number. She didn't even put any effort in it, it ended in 2020. Some guy answered.

#2 - Lovely law student at Hollywood event. Talked with me a lot, even asked me for my card. Got her number when I left.

      Result: Real phone number! Never returned phone call or text. This is one of the great unsolved mysteries. 

#3 - Incredible, talented, beautiful lady. Also talked with me a lot. Alive and in love with life, charmed me. Gave me her number, said I was "awesome." 

       Result: Just wants to be friends.

#4 - Pretty Irish girl at St. Pat's Day! Danced with her, talked, had fun. Got her number. 

      Result: Texted today, no answer. Verdict still out but outlook not good.

P.S. Today my roommate told me he never feels lonely. I almost murdered him where he stood.

Crazy Complicated Current Courtship

I have a memory from when I was about thirteen. I was at the Marshall County Fair. I stood next to her in line, she was so friendly and pretty with her green eyes and blonde curly hair. She smiled and laughed as we talked. It was simple attraction. Her name was Michelle. I asked her to ride with me, and we whirled through the air screaming and laughing and being alive. If you liked someone, you smiled, you looked into her eyes, you held hands maybe.

Today it's like a train wreck combined with a natural disaster along with a volatile hostage negotiation involving evil flying baboons. (Why yes, I did just see Oz.)

Photoshopped in 4 minutes. I even timed myself.

What the hell is going on?

This is what I imagine should happen. I meet someone, we feel comfortable together. We feel an attraction. We laugh, we talk, we spend more time together. It feels natural and joyful. I can see it right there in my mind -- so why doesn't it ever happen? Why instead is everything so complicated? It's a mess of what "phase" people are in life. "I'm just not looking for a relationship right now." "I just broke up with someone." "I'm focusing on my career." "I'm too toxic for you." Why do we restrict when love can happen? You could miss the love of your life just because you were worried about a job for a few months.

Not only that, these days you have to prove you're not a stalker/rapist/player/jerk. I understand there should be a degree of caution. However I don't feel like I should start in the category of "serial killer" and have to move my way up the continuum.

Sometimes I make it up to the Evil Creep stage!

Teen Steve

People are just so suspicious now. I feel like everything I say is scrutinized to see if it in some way could be interpreted as "homicidal tendencies." Everyone is so suspicious and scared -- to the point where a girl will stay with a terrible guy because she is afraid the next one will be even worse. I know some people who have just given up on dating because it's so difficult and painful. Heck, I even stepped back after that bad experience with Lady Gray. Without rambling on too much more, there's about a thousand other complications and troubles and difficulties that come up. I never thought I'd say that I miss being thirteen. If anyone just wants to laugh and smile and love without all these complications, let me know, I'll be here next to the Ferris wheel.

Don't ask her favorite color!

I know, about two months ago I told you that I was going to take a break from dating for a while. And so I did. But then I met a girl at a convention (I know, I know) that really seemed to stand out to me.

Yes, I know I'm an idiot... for some reason, when I saw this lady, I'll call her Lady Gray (Ever played Fable? ) she stood out, almost like there was a glow on her. We talked for a while at the con, had very similar interests. She seemed nice. So we had a date the next week.

This was actually a wonderful date, and we had quite a great time. Well, ok, I did, I'm not sure about her completely, but she seemed to anyway. Lady Gray is intelligent and has a sense of humor. She's a bit of a cynic like me, and even thinks like me in a lot of ways. She's had an unusual past, but so have I, and I felt I understood her.

Apparently, I was very wrong.

Lady Gray from Fable

After I dropped her off on the way home I sent her a text joking about our time we had that night. I texted her the next day asking about her schedule, wanting to see her again. She wasn't sure and would get back to me. She said she hadn't slept too well so I told her not to worry and get some rest.

You see, Lady Gray was very interesting to me, I wanted to learn more about her. Her likes, dislikes, how she thinks, what she knows. I didn't message her for a day or so since she had said she was tired. Then I decided to just say hi, see how she was, ask her a couple things. I really was thinking of her since the date, wanting to know her better.

I suppose I'm very interested in people; how they think, how the world looks to them. It may seem trivial to some people, but I wanted to know about her growing up, her thoughts, even her favorite color. People are fascinating. Apparently, however, this was the wrong thing to ask.

Today I was told by her (over text) that my occasional lighthearted texts and questions were perceived as childish pleas for attention, vapid with no real meaning (yes, I'm being redundant), and finally... obnoxious. Now, it's not like I was flooding her with texts. Perhaps 5 or 6 a day on the days I'd send any at all.*

Lady Gray is a scary undead in Fable 2. You can marry her, also.

I understand that people see texts in different ways, and use them differently. I also know that people communicate in different ways. I can even see how my messages could be interpreted that way; however that's not anything near what I was actually doing. Maybe I'm sentimental, but when I thought of her favorite color, it reminded me of her. Also, I like to buy/make people gifts. If I know their preferences, I can do that better. Of course, I wasn't expecting to shower Lady Gray with gifts after one date, but it's still nice to know for the future.

To me, someone's favorite color has meaning. It's special to them -- at least, that's why you call it a favorite, I assume. It also does say something about them in a visceral way, I believe. Perhaps I made the mistake of starting to care for Lady Gray after just one date and our talk at the convention. But, I did, somehow. I had this feeling she was special. Ah, if only I was a Vulcan and only relied on logic. Of course the Pon Farr might be a pain...

I suppose I don't like having my maturity questioned; I feel like quite a capable adult. I put work before play and set high goals in reality, not fantasy. But when I have fun, sometimes I have fun like a child. After all, they are the best at having fun, don't you think? I can enjoy a good talk on Stephen Hawking and string theory or a water balloon fight in the back yard just as equally.

Of course, it's best to learn now that my playfulness and curiosity are perceived as obnoxious by Lady Gray and she can happily go her way thinking I am those things; I can only hope that others won't see it that way because frankly -- I love being who I am.

*Note, these texts were part of an actual conversation not me just sending texts over with no reply.